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A man sitting alone at a bar is a person having a drink. A woman sitting alone at a bar is a more complicated thing.
"She’s lonely." "She’s easy." "She’s a lush." "She’s waiting for someone." "She’s looking for attention." Every lone female bar patron has, at one time or another, felt these assumptions invisibly stamped on her forehead.
Yes, this is the 21st century, and we all like to think we can come and go as we please out in the world. But occupying a barstool without a companion to anchor you is something that women, even drinking women, usually avoid.
The reason for this goes beyond simply, ‘It’s more fun to go to a bar with a friend.’ What if your friends aren’t around? Does that mean you can’t go out and have a beer by yourself? Even I — a woman who enjoys a drink, likes to travel alone, and thinks of herself as independent-minded — have often answered yes to that question.
Why stay home alone? To avoid the unwanted advance, is the reason women give most. I’m not even going to bother hurling tired insults about the predictability and clumsiness of pick-up lines. I’ll be more constructive: gentlemen, when you make an overture, you put us on the defensive. We’re suddenly in the position of having to demonstrate to everyone at the bar that we’re too cool to have a conversation with the first guy who wanders over and offers to buy us a drink.
The truth is, we’re self-conscious sitting there by ourselves. That’s why we always bring a book. Even sitting in a bar we frequent, we find ourselves engaged in a weird push-and-pull of fencing ourselves off from unwanted advances while stealing the occasional glance around the room for the off chance of some non-predator vs. prey interaction.
Besides doing our best not to look like an easy target, we try to avoid appearing lonely or tipsy. Once, I went for dinner to a bar that my boyfriend and I had always visited together. Seeing me alone, the bartender looked surprised.
‘Oh, no,’ I thought. ‘He’s going to think Boyfriend and I had a fight and that I’m going to sit here and wallow in pathos and booze.’ I felt compelled to explain to him that Boyfriend simply had other plans that night. I also felt compelled to shut myself off after two drinks. As a friend of mine observed, "When a man gets hammered alone at a bar, it’s not pretty, but it’s OK. When a woman does it, there’s no greater shame."
Despite all this baggage, however, going to a bar alone can be fun for a woman. For one thing, there are perks. Some bartenders will try extra hard to make a woman sitting alone feel comfortable and welcome. They may take you under their wing, chat with you a bit more than with other customers, make sure you get a non-chipped glass and a full bowl of bar snacks.
It’s also fun to go to bars when you’re traveling by yourself. It’s an adventure. I bar-hopped solo all over Belgium — something I’d never do at home — with a guide to beer bars and a map as my sole companions. It’s one of life’s pleasures to travel to a new city and undertake the ritual of seeking out a place to relax with food and drink, like a pioneer setting up camp after a long day’s journey.
When you’re traveling, being alone at a bar makes perfect sense and thus feels more natural. You’re an anonymous passer-by, free of the social baggage of home, free of the need to silently convey to everyone at the bar, ‘Yes, I’m coming in here by myself. No, nothing’s wrong with me. Just go about your business.’
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